Meta-masturbation

Hide and seek

2007-12-04T23:54:50Z

New journal, because I'm a pain in the ass like that. If you want to read me, read nick_tesla

se7en

2007-11-24T06:52:58Z

EDIT: I deleted pictures that I don't like.

ZE UPDATED A LITTLE BIT FOR REAL THIS TIME

2007-10-12T00:21:19Z

Let's join a social network built just for two. Baby, you can invite me, and I could invite you.

Makes me laugh and feel a little ashamed of myself. He is the voice of the ADD generation.

agirlnamednikki @ 2007-10-06T13:40:00

2007-10-06T20:45:21Z

Today I went to the gym. Cardio and lifting and stretching, oh my. I have limbs like a baby giraffe.

Direction

2007-09-08T17:06:03Z

AmeriCorps. Domestic Peace Corps for young adults. 10 months. The thought of it makes me happy. How funny, wanting something.

Shit.

2007-09-07T19:05:50Z

I started working hard too late. At the moment I'm not sure exactly what's going on with my professor accepting work, as he hasn't contacted me since giving me an extension of a few days, which are now up. I have not been very productive this week, because I'm frequently overcome by debilitating stress which makes teaching myself math essentially impossible.

I'm not going to get all melodramatic and dumb like I did on my last entry, but I'm not pleased with myself. I'm considering withdrawing next quarter and getting a job, something I should have done straight out of high school. If I get partial credit next quarter, they'll withdraw my financial aid, and I'll have to leave anyway. Not wonderful, but hardly the worst thing ever. However I look at it, my options aren't terrible and I haven't done anything unforgivable, which makes feeling that way seem illogical. Which doesn't change it.

Inertia

2007-08-19T07:07:02Z

This entry has been waiting to be written for quite some time.

I like to sabotage myself via procrastination. Like Ze Frank once said, I create the illusion that I'm coming closer to bettering myself, while really running in place. I think that's what my bizarre mental disorder for the last week or so has been. I suspected when I wrote my last entry, but didn't mention it. Summer quarter is ending. THIS IS CRUNCH TIME. I am very close to being in over my head, but when I should be doing my homework I am suffering from a random bout of pseudo-ADD, dying my hair again, and updating my livejournal. I am reading a great book. I can't decide what to have for lunch and I'm not about to mess around with month old optimization problems on an empty stomach.

I hate my mother. The Female Eunuch has clarified exactly why, which I was already fairly aware of. I hate my father for similar reasons, but much less so because his inertia and cowardice are correspondingly less. Jung. Shadow. Modeling. Wanting better models.

Calculus makes me happy, but I don't do it. Not doing it makes me feel like shit, but I still put it off and off and off.

Am I looking for another mentor? People like to take me--the self-deprecating but promising youth--under their wing and that's probably where I've felt the most liked, is that why I do this? Sounds too easy.

Am I simply afraid of trying because if you do you find limits and I don't want to think I have any? Doesn't feel true, at least not like the whole truth.

Have I bought into the Generation X-Y glamorous slacker stereotype? After spending years playing that part, I can see that it leads nowhere I want to be and it's not as great as that Winona Ryder movie made it out to be. It hurts people who care about you, is unpleasant and unsatisfying, and you don't get the girl.

Still depressed? Should I go back on the drugs? How's this? I am not depressed and I am sick of being told that I don't know the difference.

Personality is a pattern, a habit, and mine has gotten lazy. I know that. But why am I holding myself here if I don't like it?

Meta-cognition.

I've spilled my guts now, absolutely as yet another diversion for myself, at least in part. For years now, I have waxed introspective as a form of procrastination. That is not the question.

Meta-self-sabotage is the question. My cards on the table are very real and there is no ace up my sleeve. Few people read this lj, but three of them are my best friends, two are people I am very fond of, and the last I admire embarrassingly much. Every time I fuck up you will all see what I am or am not saying. You will think less of me if I'm not doing better, because it will be evident that I am not trying. You will know that I am a weak asshole and there will be no way for me to ignore that.

So let's hope that this does some good. Feels good.

Back in the Red (Crazy & Boring: Part V)

2007-08-19T02:03:19Z

Today I spent hours reading while playing with the idea of going to the store to buy a frozen pizza. I came back with a baguette and a box of hair dye. For the last week, I've found myself doing things like this often and it's a slightly disturbing. It's like I'm alternating between debilitating indecision and a complete lack of impulse control, which scares me a little bit. I hope I feel normal again soon.

On the bright side, I think my hair looks beyond better. May I never go blond again, at least not on a whim, at home.

Cut is still awkward, color is close enough for now.

2007-08-14T03:40:23Z

Need a new foundation. The hair demands it.

You know what randomly deciding to bleach your own hair gets you?

2007-08-09T04:03:56Z

I knew that it was unlikely to turn out how I wanted it by going for it like that, but now I don't know if I'm dedicated enough to finish the job. Might go to Hot Topic and get some dark pink based red or purple dye tomorrow. Or I might give it a rest then bleach it some more. Dunno when it's "safe" to do so though. My hair doesn't feel like it's going to fall out, it's just not silky anymore.

another boring hair post

2007-08-08T03:52:34Z

I learned today that it's absolutely true that people don't like brunettes to go blond. I have a hypothesis that women are especially insistent upon brownhaired girls staying that way, but I could be wrong. Obviously there are a million men around who salivate over long, black hair, I'm just observing. Aaanyway, it has become clear to me that I need my hair to be this length.

Not as good, but.

I posted those pics on MUA saying I was hoping to eventually have that cut and white-blond hair. I got one girl telling me it made me look like Chloe Sevigny--kill me, kill me now--and a few others telling me I'm "striking" with it brown and that I shouldn't change it. And I'm not pissed, except at that damn Chloe Sevigny comparer, because I was asking for opinions. But also said that I was considering changing the color because I'm growing it out, thus unable to do much with the length, and so bored with my hair that I've started hating it. And I think that cheap manip shows that it would look really good (correct me if you think I'm wrong). Not necessarily better, good. But yeah. Silly update, but I found the experience... not odd or surprising... something.

i r dum

2007-08-07T01:28:00Z

I hate each and every one of you for not telling me that I don't look that good with nude lips and probably shouldn't own more than about two. I hate each and every one of you immeasurably more than that already overwhelming hate for not encouraging me to wear bold lip colors because my mouth looks sexier with them and my features in general MUCH more balanced.

WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE THAT SOONER? I noticed maybe a month ago that it was easier to take a good picture once you slap some red lipstick on me, but even then it didn't connect. Uuuugh, God, not only am I vain, I'm a moron.

Now the makeup is unimpressive (the eyes were nothing special to begin with, then I sloppily applied a lip that wasn't designed to go with them because I was on the brink of this epiphany due to a dozen disappointing photos) and I look like an idiot holding my hair out of my face like that, but do you see? I think I finally do. Mouth looks very nice indeed, nose looks proportionate and isn't the focal point of my face, eyes look the way they always do. Praise Jesus!

Also, I have a bitch of a case of ponytail envy and loath my hair right now. Pretend you're me. You don't hate the natural color of your hair and like that it's undamaged. You hate the cut, but are in the process of growing it out. What the hell do you do with it? Cover it with a hat? Bleach it, even though it would be damaged? Cut it? Style it somehow? At the very least I know I should trim it because it's an overgrown, fluffy, shaggy mess, but I suspect it would still be ugly. Help me?

Now, math. I desperately hoped this morning that my calc teacher would cancel class to stay home and make love to his wife. Got to school and for whatever reason the professor didn't show. Naturally I promised myself I'd do the homework I should have finished over the weekend, but I still haven't gotten around to it. You know what? I've been home for 12 hours now, and I have class in another eleven. It's time to stop stalling.

Look what I did!

2007-08-04T02:57:22Z

Where? Here.
I swear the story will get more original in the next installment. And there will be pictures! Unrelated to the story, at least for a while, but pictures!

And I'm reading The Female Eunuch and am in love with it. I can't believe I didn't pick it up sooner.

Things Worth Keeping

2007-07-30T08:55:03Z

I should have been asleep a long time ago. I should have done homework when I got home. I will go to class tomorrow/today tired and unprepared. Self sabotage? Plain lazy? Probably. But for now I am wrapping up a part of a story I have been working on that I am very serious and excited about. I have a rough beginning and a very end for this character. Soon he'll get a middle that will earn the death I've given him.

ELEVEN DAYS!

2007-07-10T03:12:21Z

And God bless Brokeback Mountain for making all those spoofs possible. The sex was still really disappointing though.

Would you fuck me?

2007-07-09T03:00:13Z

I'd fuck me.

I can't say I had fun that night, but the picture makes it worth going. Holy shit, Courtney, you were really convincing.

She said, "How'd U like 2 waste some time?"

2007-06-21T14:30:32Z

Can't go to sleep because my cycle is messed up to the point that I must work my way around the clock forward (get to sleep later and later until I'm back to the late pm's or early am's). What I mean by that is I'm posting even though I have nothing to say to keep myself busy. All I have done in the last few days is make and eat cupcakes, put on makeup, and read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with my sister. I feel like an overfed zombie. Oh, and Rad Girls. Jackass is so much better when they've got crazy girls in stead of boys.

I am a phoenix. No, really, see the gold line down my head? It's my beak, which I now think I should have made thicker and sharper. Oh well. Believe it or not, this is a lot more logical an interpretation than yesterday's attempt at Circe.

Mmmmmm, glitter and cupcakes, except no more cupcakes because after living on them for two days straight I feel ill.

I had a couple clear closeups of the eyes, but for one reason or another they looked like shit which made me want to figuratively cry my plentiful eyeshadow off, so I'm not posting them and instead you get the blurry following.

Because I am deranged, this is what I looked like yesterday:

Too bad my lips don't always look this fat.

I should probably post this shit at the MAC community or somewhere else that isn't the place I sometimes write real things, but. Eeh.

Wimp

2007-06-07T00:45:31Z

I avoided editing the movie my group in Gender and Media did for the comedy piece (the assignment I was supposed to use Gra for, but I ended up in drag instead). Stupid. At the time, I was too tired to want to do anything new and intimidated for some shameful reason. At about 6:00 this morning, I ended up doing some editing on this other project. Guess what? I LOVE IT. And I think I'm naturally pretty good at it. What the fuck?

Should go. Lots of work to do before tomorrow morning and I should also sleep before I present our final project.

Was there really that little to say in response to the sad equality post? Guess so. It seems that I do not do meaningful right on livejournal.

F words, like fear, feminism and fuck

2007-06-05T07:50:44Z

I feel tiny, weak and inferior. If I believed in a God I would be furious with him/her/it for making women smaller than men--not to mention the ones with the "ability" to bear children. I was already in a profoundly shitty mood because Noah seems to like picking me up without my consent and I doubt I could easily do the same to him, then I saw some footage of what happened at the 2000 Puerto Rican Day parade in New York (about 50 women were sexually assaulted by mobs of men).

Maybe this is my internalized sexism talking, but does anyone else feel hurt by women needing special legal protection from men because most men could overpower most women? I get scared thinking, "If he wanted to, he could hurt me worse than I could him. By being in his presence, I am putting myself at his mercy." And from there I find my mind going in all sorts of upsetting, politically incorrect directions...

I should start working out. Learn to kick some ass, build some muscle. But even if I do, will that be enough for me? Will I be a match for some random dick trying to shove me around? Will I stop thinking of my sex as some huge disadvantage?

If I'm completely honest with myself, I don't believe this evens out; it seems like even looking at it from a strictly physiological perspective, females got fucked.

And yeah, I know, I said most of this stuff last year, about this time.

Hedwig?

2007-05-17T08:23:09Z

Close.

Or whatever it is they say.

I noticed there's a scene girl in my class today. She seems nice, so I don't want to insult her, but I'm not about to abandon Gra either. So I've decided to take the makeup somewhat seriously, and not be a complete dick when I'm in character tomorrow. That's sensitive enough, I hope.

Version 3.0

With color manipulation...

Yes, yes, the purple is sloppy and you can see the fallout from the black shadow I used in place of liquid liner. I'll do better tomorrow. But I think it's a vast improvement.

kthnxbai

Dress Rehearsal

2007-05-15T08:22:55Z

Oooooh boy. School assignment, design a character, come to class as them. Mine was originally an emo kid named Gra(y). She turned into something a whole fuckofalot different. It all started with some eyeliner...

As I kept on adding and adding and adding makeup, I learned much more about this Gra(y) than her predecessor. I learned her favorite band, the faces makes in pictures, her voice. I also know that she'd much rather wear black pants than a skirt, but you work with what you've got. Maybe I should wear jeans, even though they're blue, with the boots?

I'm a little surprised I'm posting these, but I want to know if you think I should come to class as her on Thursday.

Do you think I could attract (pathetic, stupid, disturbing, 13-year-old) girls with some of these? As a guy, I mean. I feel like I could. Lady looks like a dude, and he's sorta cute. *goes all Silence of the Lambs* Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me...

Oh, shit! Davey Havok! I look like a young, less pointy Davey Havok! No, really!

This last one is my favorite, probably because I remembered not to look at the camera.

The thing is, I don't know what I'd categorize her as, and that bothers me. She's sort of a mallgawth who takes pictures like a scene kid. I want to keep the idea though because she's so fully fleshed out, I'd get to invent band names, and she'd be a blast to play.

Emily, this is directed at you in particular, do you think I need to modify her appearance to be more scene? Because I'm not sure anyone actually looks like that who would take pictures that way and listen to bands with the names I've made up. And do you think I could get away with some badly applied Russian Red? She'd look more like a girl. This character isn't supposed to be androgynous. I could add some neon green eye shadow, to give the makeup a more scene feel...

And just cause I'd like to throw a normal and decent picture in there:

Oh my god, you mean she really is a girl?!

Already?

2007-05-10T01:58:16Z

Yup.

The name was too embarrassing, so I changed it. Can you believe no one thought of or wanted this one? I can't.

Also, my left outer thigh tingles and is sorta numb. It's been happening occasionally for a few months, but this is the first time it's gone on all day. I'm pretty sure it's meralgia paresthetica (squeezed nerve resulting in numbness, tingling, and/or burning pain in one outer thigh) and why do these Facebook people keep finding me?

EDIT: There's a community for furries who love philosophy in addition anthropomorphized animals. LJ tells me they dig monism.